A Desperate Choice

[luxken27]

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Pairing: Sesshoumaru + Kagome
Rating: Y (suicidal contemplation)
Inspiration: “Time to be Your 21” © 2004 Damhnait Doyle/Marc Jordan/Rob Wells
Based upon: ebony_silks Week #89 | Nightshade


Before Tainted Purity, this is what I considered to be the darkest piece of fic I'd ever written. I still think it runs a close second, though it doesn't nearly begin to touch the same depths of depravity as that one.

No, this is more of an emphatic statement against the beautification of Kagome into a saint, a trope far too common in Sess/Kag (and even some Inu/Kag) canon-set post manga fic.

That's not to say I think I did a much better job with her here :P Unfortunately, due to the constraints of the prompt word, I fear I might have toed the line in quite the opposite direction. I mean...how hard will it be to justify her feeling so desperately horrible that she contemplates killing herself? That was the task I set before myself, and to accomplish it, I had to rely more than I was comfortable with on other tropes of Sess/Kag fanon.

First and foremost, I had to find a believable way to rend Inuyasha and Kagome apart - because I think we all know that if she went back in time to be with him, it would take a force greater than God to tear him from her side. Considering my options, I chose what may be the most believable, in an incredibly convoluted-logic sorta way, and definitely the least cringe-inducing. It is one of my goals in writing Sess/Kag fic that Inuyasha's character not be demonized in any way, if at all possible. I did him no favors here, but at least I allowed him to live :P

That was the hardest part, and what took the longest to justify to myself here. I think the other aspects are more realistic. I don't think Kagome could live up to her reputation as "the Shikon miko" (another common Sess/Kag nickname for her, denoting her awesome spiritual powers and abilities), especially not if something happened to Kaede in the middle of her training. Kagome may have vast amounts of untapped spiritual power, but that's just the point - it's untapped, little more than potential at the end of the canon story. She couldn't control it without monumental training and practice, and even though, it takes a lot to get her riled up enough to really unleash it (think about it - Naraku insulting Inuyasha, or Kagome being under extreme duress, is about the only time we really see it.)

I don't know if she'd make such an 'easy' mistake as she does in the story, but again - that was due to the prompt word. There's not a whole lot you can do with "nightshade", considering it only has one meaning, that of a family of poisonous plants. But I attempted to explain her actions due to her heightened emotional state and feelings of isolation and rejection from the village. She didn't mean to give the woman the wrong herb, but she was also so nervous and scared and a bit panicky that it happened nonetheless.

As much as I felt like I struggled with Kagome's characterization in this piece, Sesshoumaru was a completely different story. I think this is one of my *favorite* incarnations of him I've had the pleasure of writing. His words and actions were so clear in my mind, and I feel like he just nailed it, completely - aloof, acidic, and yet strangely concerned in his own weird way. I was really pleased to see the comments at the comm agreed with this assessment of him, especially from people like RosieB, who's no slouch herself when it comes to him :P

This piece was churning through my brain after a conversation I had with a few people following a Mir/San short I wrote, questioning Kagome's true position in the post-manga world - was she so famous and sought after on the strength of her reputation, or power, or some combination of the two? Or did she settle into a more healer-centric role, staying home to watch Miroku's and Sango's children while they headed out with Inuyasha on youkai extermination jobs? Plus I had landofthekwt whispering in my ear about how too many authors turn Kagome into an all-powerful, never-does-any-wrong SAINT who needs Inuyasha and/or Sesshoumaru to constantly rescue her.

That, combined with listening to the Instant Star soundtrack in preparation for the last gigantic Nihon Idol chapter, conspired to bring out the angsties. The amount of research I did on nightshade was rather ridiculous, for how much I ended up using it in this piece itself. The symptoms described in both the dying woman, and the precise number of belladonna berries Kagome picked to eat, come from that research. Of course, the internet being what it is, it was conflicting - some sources say you'd have to eat like a kilo of the berries in order to truly do damage to yourself, while others say only 10-20 berries will do the trick. I think it depends on which certain plant you're eating them from, so I chose the deadliest, LOL :P

Here are the lyrics that I picked up from what is really my least-favorite Instant Star song, one I was strongly considering replacing when the chapter came but, as of now, am not so sure...

You never lied to me not once / It's not your fault that I can't trust
It's in my past / It's in my path / and I can't go there
Making a mess out of this game / To see it all go up in flames
So tired of being ruthless and reckless

Time to be your only one / To almost be your way to young
Time to crash into the sun / Time to be your twenty-one
Time to dream that love will last / Time to drive my car too fast
Time to walk before I run / Time to be your twenty-one