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Metawriting meme
You know this is right up my alley...
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eggplantlady / psyco_chick32:
Pick a paragraph (or any passage less than 500 words) from any fanfic I've written, and comment to this post with that selection. I will then give you a DVD commentary on that snippet: what I was thinking when I wrote it, why I wrote it in the first place, what's going on in the character's heads, why I chose certain words, what this moment means in the context of the rest of the fic, lots of awful puns, and anything else that you'd expect to find on a DVD commentary track.
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eggplantlady / psyco_chick32:Pick a paragraph (or any passage less than 500 words) from any fanfic I've written, and comment to this post with that selection. I will then give you a DVD commentary on that snippet: what I was thinking when I wrote it, why I wrote it in the first place, what's going on in the character's heads, why I chose certain words, what this moment means in the context of the rest of the fic, lots of awful puns, and anything else that you'd expect to find on a DVD commentary track.
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From Tainted Purity:
She was happy. Her sister was happy. Her husband was happy.
And all he asked for in return was sex.
All night, every night.
She didn’t know how he could stand it – he hardly ever actually slept. He left the house shortly after dawn broke, stayed at work for twelve to fourteen hours, came home, ate the three-course meal his cook made and saved for him, and then locked her away in their bedroom. She endured as best she could, wishing to please her husband and live up to his idealized version of her – the saint, the angel, the paragon of innocent purity –but found very little satisfaction between the sheets. He was a completely selfish lover, caring only for his needs and wishes and wants; she never had a say in foreplay or positions or duration, and was often left on the cusp of fulfillment. Perhaps more troubling was that he was growing more and more depraved in his actions, which he blamed on extra stress from his job.
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From Coda (http://www.mediaminer.org/fanfic/view_ch.php/155989/545110#fic_c):
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From the latest chapter of Fragments:
But he found himself lucky, as he spiraled back down to the present, that she wasn’t paying attention to the war he fought within himself. Instead, she had wandered back out into the living room area of the suite, dallying with her drink as she stared out into the cityscape. Her expression had softened in the meanwhile, and she looked so forlorn – her eyes were filmy, her mouth slightly pouty, one of the muscles in her jaw ticking as she chewed on her lower lip. He wondered how she felt in that moment, if she was reliving some past memory or pang of anguish, or if she was silently berating herself for ‘letting her brother get away’, as she so often seemed to do, or if she was plotting her fiance’s death – hopefully in slow, torturous fashion.
She felt something, at least, even if he couldn’t quite decipher what, and that was a good thing. Nothing was quite so scary as listening to her admit a bitter death wish, one that bloomed not from pain, but from bleak numbness. He’d known exactly the well from which she was drawing, and that’s why he’d merely embraced her in response, pulling her close, trying to imbue her with warmth and vitality and remind her that she had something to live for, even in the wake of such tragedy. It was what he’d needed when he’d faced the same terror…only he hadn’t received it, being completely alone in the world.
Maybe he didn’t have a place in hers, but dammit, he couldn’t bear to see those same scars surface in another person – especially not one as bright and fiery and willful as her. She’d been through a hell of a lot already, and he knew, deep in his gut, that if she could hang on for these first few days, she would find a way to dig herself out of even this.
He also knew, deep in his gut, that he was going to suffer right along with her – even if she pushed him away. His first impression – of not knowing, and yet somehow knowing her all the same – had only strengthened over the course of their long conversations; in her, he found something worthy of investment…for the first time since his father’s death. He’d never allowed himself to grow close to anyone after losing the last vestige of his natural family, knowing all too well the pain associated with that, but there was something about her – something innate, primal – that drew him to her. It was, by pure chance, that they’d met, but he knew better than to let such an opportunity go squandered.
He looked down, shifting his weight from one leg to another. He also realized that, to do this right – to keep her friendship, her loyalty, her trust – meant putting aside his own needs. His experience with women and their emotions led him to his next thought, however reluctant he was to voice it.
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“They wanted me all along,” she continued. “He was only trying to protect me…Oh, kami, why did I leave him alone that day? That day, of all days – !” Her hands clenched into fists, her fingers threading through his clothes. “That’s why they’re here now. My lord, I swear to you, I don’t know how they found me, but it’s me they want!”
“Kagome – ” he broke in.
“I failed him,” she pressed on, ignoring his interruption, looking up at him with pleading eyes. “Don’t you see? I failed him, and he died. I can’t let the same thing happen to you!”
It was too much for him then; he wrapped his arms around her and dragged her against his chest, tightening the embrace as his protective instincts dictated. “Stop it,” he ordered. “You’re not going anywhere.”
Her breath was warm on his neck, her tears soaking into his shoulder. “But Sesshoumaru – ”
“But nothing,” he declared. “You wanted my protection? Well, now you have it.”
Besides, he thought, lowering his head to her shaking shoulder, I’m not entirely sure it’s you they want.
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Inuyasha was lying in his bed, looking quite small against the mountain of blankets and cushions. His skin was pale, his silvery hair dull as it splayed across his pillow, but his smile was bright as he gazed up at her. “You came,” he said, struggling to push himself upright.
She moved forward quickly, bracing his shoulders, and he stopped moving as her hair brushed against his cheek. “Thanks,” he said softly, touching the long black locks as he settled back.
She sat next to him on the bed, curling her feet under herself as she regarded him. He looked absolutely horrible, thin and sickly, breathing heavily. His eyes, a deeper amber than his brother’s, were rimmed with red and encompassed by dark circles. What sort of illness he suffered from was truly a mystery; it seemed to take on symptoms of chronic fatigue, blood cancers, and various wasting diseases.
It broke her heart to see him like this, when it was only a few short months ago that he was so healthy and energetic…
He sighed, tipping his head back to look upward. “Kagome, I’m sorry,” he said simply. “For…everything.”
She could only stare at him, her emotions tumbling around her head and her heart. It was obvious that this strain in their relationship had taken an emotional toll on him, maybe even worse than it had on her. Her heart swelled with love for him, but at the same time, she couldn’t ignore the raw hurt of being pushed away when she needed him the most.
Could she truly forgive him for that?
Tears trickled silently over his cheeks, his gaze still cast at the ceiling. “I’ve made your life a living hell, and for that, I am truly sorry,” he choked out. “I’ve thought of nothing else since that day, and it’s just tortured me.” Slowly, his eyes lowered to hers, the bereavement obvious in his expression. “I don’t know if you can find it in your heart to forgive me, or not, but just…please know…I love you, and I’m sorry.”
“Oh, Inuyasha,” she said, sweeping her arms around his shoulders, embracing him as tightly as she dared. Her heart broke all over again to look at him like this, and a flood of compassion overwhelmed her. He was so vulnerable and sad in this moment, just as she had been that harsh, wintry day. She knew how he felt, and she knew how much he needed her.
But Sesshoumaru…
She felt Inuyasha’s hands on her back as he returned her embrace.
He was there for me when no one else was…
“Do you forgive me?” Inuyasha whispered brokenly, his breath warm on her ear.
I owe him so much…
She felt the warmth of his tears on her cheek, the shuddering, constricted heaving of his chest, and she couldn’t deny him. “Yes,” she sighed, reaching out to touch an errant strand of his hair, which lay beside her. “On one condition.”
“What’s that?” he asked, looking at her closely as she pulled away from him.
She smiled tenderly, brushing her fingers along the feverish skin of his temple. “Don’t ever do this again.”
His relief was palpable; his eyes blinked rapidly as more tears coursed over his cheeks. “Never,” he vowed, grasping her hand to his chest, covering his heart. “I’ll never hurt you again, I promise.”
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What I was thinking when I wrote it: I was angsting for darkfic, and I don't usually write darkfic - and never sexualized darkfic. You might say I had something to prove to myself, just as much as anyone else.
Why I wrote it in the first place: I had been on a binge of 48 Hours Mystery, which was the only CBS show I could stream for free (in its entirety) while I was still in the Netherlands. I love those sorts of true crime/investigative shows, and I kinda get addicted to them, once I start watching them - they invade your soul, you know? :P And, well, my dark muse latched on and hatched an idea, and thus ~ this fic was born.
Believe it or not, it actually started off as a Naraku/Kagome/Sess piece, but the more I explored the idea in mind, the more I realized it was better suited to the fucked up dynamics in the Naraku/Kikyo relationship.
What's going on in the character's heads: Well, you chose a piece of transition/explanation, so I can't comment on character thoughts, really ~ this was meant to set up a later motive for Naraku's murderous perversion. I was trying to find the appropriate point on the Most Evil scale to affix him, so I could more accurately describe the psychosis. At this point in the story, Kikyo has never known him to be less than a gentleman, so for him to turn out so radically different than she expected was her first clue that something was wrong.
Why I chose certain words: Mostly for atmosphere. Language has the power to set a tone, and its in the author's best interest to choose words along a continuum to aid the readers in perceiving what the author is projecting. For an explicitly sexual piece, I choose words loaded with innuendo and double entendre; I tend to describe more physical attributes of bodies and body parts; I try to engage the senses as well as the mind. Here, I tried to pick words that, while conveying sexual activity, were also cold, clinical, and maybe even a bit depraved. The imagery of angels and saints and innocence versus the imagery of a selfish lover who worshipped himself instead of his partner - its a bold statement, in few words.
What this moment means in the context of the rest of the fic: This is the first transition into darkness, as we see what Kikyo has to deal with in order to secure the happiness of her family. Its the first time she sees Naraku as something other than her savior or gentleman white knight. It seems a lot of those murder mystery stories have a twist like this ~ the neighbors next door and their naughty little secrets :P
Does this make sense, or am I completely convoluted in my own meta, LOL? Any other questions/comments/concerns?
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Why I wrote it in the first place: I HATED the end of the manga when I first read it, and this was my reaction to it. Actually, it was also in response to an ultra-sappy first-kiss fic ("Perfect Kiss") that I was writing for the
What's going on in the character's heads: Kagome is searching for answers - she was alive inside the meidou the whole time, separated from Inuyasha, about to swallowed into the darkness ~ quite like what actually happened to her in the manga. Then, instead of Inuyasha rescuing her, she is blown out of the mediou by his lifeless body and returned to her time, and she doesn't understand why. The canon story is just as much about the growth of the Inu/Kag love story as it is about Inuyasha finding himself. And, well, she's 15 and thought they'd be together forever...not that, at the end of all this grief and adventure and battle, she'd be left alone, stuck on her own side of the timeline, left to wonder not only what happened to him, but what happened to her friends. Did she really live it, or was it some sort of psychotic nightmare?
Why I chose certain words: I worked very hard to parallel this part of Coda with the first chapter. There is actually a bit of copy/paste, which I used on purpose, to replicate the nightmare scenario from the mediou. In this particular snippet, the last line, separated by ellipses, also served as the chapter summary and as a parallel back to the first chapter, when Inuyasha declares:
If it came down to a choice between his life and hers...
...there simply was no choice.
What this moment means in the context of the rest of the fic: Its the turning point, when she realizes the answers she seeks are not in history, but in her own memory. Finally, by the end of the fic, her subconscious unlocks and she's able to understand why Inuyasha did what he did. Its sorta metaphoric, sorta supernatural, and rather hopeful for the end of a darkfic :P
Does that satisfy your curiosity, or do you have more questions? :P
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Why I wrote it in the first place: The story thus far has been very Sango-centric, focused on her issues, and I really felt the need to balance it out, to make Miroku feel just as important as Sango, like he was her equal. This was the first time more than a hint or two was dropped about his background, but to reveal more than that would be to spoil future installments :P But, suffice to say, I saw this passage as the perfect opportunity to really bring Miroku to the forefront and explore more of his actions, reactions, and motivations.
What's going on in the character's heads: I think its obvious, no? Miroku is working through his attraction to Sango, and his somewhat dueling desire to be her friend and to help her through this very difficult time. It was important to show that he wasn't a lecher, only interested in taking advantage of her, but that he truly understood and sympatheized with her plight. He wishes to offer her what he wanted and needed when he lost his last living relative, but was unable to receive (comfort and familiarity, not necessarily sex LOL). As for Sango, well...her mind's like a tape, rolling back and repeating those ominous words she never wanted to hear and yet expected all the same at some point.
Why I chose certain words: The words I chose here were intended to present Miroku in a sympathetic light, as the silent companion who soaks it all in and tries to do what he can to help her. In many ways, I try to make him seem very wise and cerebral, and exploit his sexuality in ways different from fanon. That's not to say his more flirtatious, social side won't appear again later, but for this, it was more important to show the way he interacts with Sango on a one-to-one basis.
What this moment means in the context of the rest of the fic: It is the sort of ultimate transition, as we see the power dynamics between these two shift. It also goes to the greater characterization I hope to highlight in the next few installments of this fic, when things begin to veer away from Sango and move into Miroku.
Does that answer your questions, or just pose more?
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What I was thinking when I wrote it: As I recall, this was part of my entry for the 'arquebus' prompt over at
Why I wrote it in the first place: When I hit upon this idea of how to incorporate arquebus into my universe, it exploded into an entire storyline, one that fit perfectly with about ten prompts from the same community. So I just ran with it ~ it was an interesting way to explore intimacy between two people not inclined to be in love (and not yet cognizant of just how close they'd grown).
What's going on in the character's heads: Kagome has just faced the method of execution of her beloved Inuyasha, and she's freaking out. She believes that he was targeted not because of who he was, but because of who she was. I suppose it stands to reason; after all, his executioners were holy men, not youkai exterminators. She just totally loses it. Sesshoumaru, on the other hand, is still dealing with the idea of being bound to her and vulnerable to her emotions, so he wants to calm her down for his own sake as much as hers. He's understandably upset when he learns why she's so upset, but ultimately, the overriding, primal urge to protect his mate at all costs bursts forth, thus directing his actions. Meanwhile, he's thinking of a run-in he had with these same men long ago, and realizes that maybe it was Inuyasha who was their intended target, because of the hanyou's tenuous connection to him.
Why I chose certain words: I was trying to convey her sense of panic and her urge to flee, hence all of the fragmented thoughts and pieces of dialogue. However, one thing I do enjoy about being in the canon universe is that titles still mean something. It goes to their personal intimacy that she still addresses him as "my lord," very formally, the way any of his courtiers would, even though they are alone. It's only when he brings her close in a tight embrace that she switches to his given name...even though he has been addressing her by her given name the entire time.
What this moment means in the context of the rest of the fic: This is the end of this particular installment, so its the climax of the piece, but ultimately, it lays the groundwork for an entire story arc in which several important things happen - they both begin to acknowledge their pasts / he commissions a sword for her / she saves his life / ultimately, he initiates romantic intimacy.
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What I was thinking when I wrote it: This was my first attempt to make Inuyasha a sympathetic character in what turned out to be a Sess/Kag universe. He was never supposed to be evil or cruel or any other fanon cliche; he was just supposed to be immature. This is him learning that his actions have consequences...in his case, rather dire ones.
Why I wrote it in the first place: One of the things that bugged me at the end of Four Seasons was the fact that she even took him back in the first place, after what he'd done to her. I had to know why, maybe more than anybody else who read and enjoyed the story...and in doing so, I really had to come to grips with both of their characters.
What's going on in the character's heads: I really loved writing this piece, because its one of the few times I feel I was successful at showing, not telling, a dilemma. Kagome's dilemma - which brother deserves her kindness, her compassion, her gratefulness, her love? - and her agonizing over a choice to be made...and ultimately, she chooses the "wrong" guy. But at the same time, it's not the wrong guy. For everything Sesshoumaru did for her, it was still Inuyasha that she loved, at that point in her life - but the fact that she is so conflicted over which brother to pledge her allegiance to is what I was going for. And, well, I had to make Inuyasha appear compassionate, contrite, and sympathetic all at the same time, so that the reader would understand why Kagome made the choice that she did. Now that he's relapsed into his illness, he realises what he did to her was wrong, and he's trying to make amends for it. There is no intention of manipulation, which is why I really agonized over his dialogue, especially.
Why I chose certain words: Well, as I said above, I really agonized over this conversation (is that why you chose it, LOL? :P). I tried to think of what someone would have to say to me in order to earn this sort of forgiveness, and then I thought about how Kagome would handle it in my stead. She's far more large-hearted and forgiving, and that's ultimately one of the strengths of her character. I wanted to use words that conveyed a sense of intimacy, and maybe even harkened back to the fact that, last time they were alone together in a room, they'd had sex.
What this moment means in the context of the rest of the fic: Kagome makes her choice, all the while agonizing over it - not only what it means in the context of the two brothers, but also what it means for her own future. It was this one decision that ultimately altered the course of all their lives, and what lead to the events of Four Seasons. If she had chosen differently here, well...none of the original story would've happened.
Any other questions/concerns/thoughts? This is one of my favorite pieces, I have to say :)
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It struck home on a personal level my best friend in high school and college had promising academic career and his life destroyed when he was driven insane by his girlfriend aborting their child. He now lives on SSI as religious fanatic using the research methods he used for his dissertation in psychology to prove conservative religious truths.
Kagome and Sesshoumaru in your story are much stronger and survive. IY on the other hand is basically destroyed like my friend by what happened.
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Well, that's certainly one way of putting it! I never looked at it that way, but it definitely makes sense :)
I never felt she was choosing IY she was merely forgiving him for not standing by her.
Well, exactly. Very few people have that sort of capacity for forgiveness, especially after that kind of emotional rollercoaster. And its not like he didn't have tons of issues on his own, which contributed to his state of mind and motivated his actions.
It struck home on a personal level
It sounds like your friend had serious issues, even before all this went down. I'm sorry to hear this is the way he's coping with it :-/
At the same time, I have to say I'm really flattered that this story made such a positive mark on you, when it reminded you of such a negative situation. That's the sort of thing no writer could ever hope to achieve, but its so humbling when it happens....so thank you =)
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I'm glad you liked it - I slaved over this fic for so long when I was composing it. I still think its fairly strong, for an early effort :)
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I also really like it because it seemed very true to life - as somebody who reads/watches/talks to a lot of people who have suffered through stuff (or the neighbors, a la the "He was such a nice boy; I wouldn't have thought he could do something like that!") it rang a very solid note.
^_^ Thank ya!
(and woooo CBS!)
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Awesome :D I think I linked to the actual story that inspired this piece, in a severely convoluted way by the time I was finished; if I didn't, I will. There was something about it that just struck me, you know? Sometimes these sensational stories have very interesting hooks.
(and woooo CBS!)
Have a free plug or three, haha :P
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Seriously, this cleared up what remaining little grey patches I had lurking in my brain.