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Fragments | 7: Finding Beauty in Negative Spaces
Read it at: LJ (explicit) | MM.org (explicit) | FF.net (clean)
Pairing: Miroku/Sango
Rating: X
Inspiration: “Sometime Around Midnight” © 2008 Mikel Jollett [The Airborne Toxic Event]
Based upon: entries for
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mirsan_fics, prompts "cut" & "fold"I submitted the first portion of this chapter for the "cut" prompt at
mirsan_fics, and it placed 1st in the weekly contest:
Finally, my friends, we've come to the heart of the story, the angle on which its all going to tilt, the beam on which it all hangs. This is the chapter I wanted to write from the start, way back in June, based on this beautiful song by Airborne Toxic Event.
Of course, me being me, I had go to about this the hard way ~ I had to delve even a little into this universe, and it ultimately exploded on me, a full-fledged novel-length story wanting to come out, instead of a simple exercise in citrus writing *facepalm* And, because of all the factors that go into writing something longer than a oneshot, suddenly getting to - and facing - the lemon chapter meant I had a lot of pressure to deliver.
Expectation, even. o.O
So, I had to wait until the time was right - I had an idea of what I wanted to happen, the emotions had settled properly, and I'd worked through most of my reasoning and justification. *That* was definitely the hardest part ~ how does one go from less than a kiss to full-fledged sexual encounter, all in one chapter?
By getting seriously acquainted with the writer's best weapon - emotion.
The range of human emotion is pretty amazing; even casual observance of it bears witness to that fact. Everyone reacts to pain and grief differently, but what's most important in moving through the grieving process is redirecting emotional energy that was once focused on the deceased. Here's an excerpt of information handed out by the National Cancer Institute to caregivers of those with terminal illness, explaining the grief/loss/mourning process:
Grief work includes the processes that a mourner needs to complete before resuming daily life. These processes include separating from the person who died, readjusting to a world without him or her, and forming new relationships. To separate from the person who died, a person must find another way to redirect the emotional energy that was given to the loved one. This does not mean the person was not loved or should be forgotten, but that the mourner needs to turn to others for emotional satisfaction. The mourner’s roles, identity, and skills may need to change to readjust to living in a world without the person who died. The mourner must give other people or activities the emotional energy that was once given to the person who died in order to redirect emotional energy.
Source
That phrase, "redirecting emotional energy" leapt out at me. For the majority of the story, Sango's cause has been finding her long-lost brother; she's poured her life, her mind, her spirit into this process, leaving home, moving to the capital, being adamant and firm in seeking the help she needed to right this wrong. That's a lot of time and emotion, invested into something that's become her mission, her single goal in life. She's engaged to marry the son of the police commissioner, to join a family that practically took her in off the train from Osaka, and it was only her fiance's urging that she forget the very reason she walked into his life that spurred her into the sequence of events that led her to Miroku. Karanousuke is tired of waiting for her to reach her goal; he's ready for her to switch focus to the rest of her life, the life he intends to build with her, and Sango finds that she can't move past that point, five years ago, when her brother was swiped from her doorstep while her back was turned.
It's this dissonance that drives a wedge between Sango and Takeda; they have a fight and she flees, finding a bit of solace in a smooth-talking bartender at some dive in the middle of the city, far from her usual haunts. Something draws these two disparate individuals together - magical, cosmic, fate, destiny, whatever you want to ascribe it to - and they continue to meet, casually, in this public place. We learn that Sango goes there daily, just to sit and chat with Miroku, and in this particular chapter, her reasons for growing attached to him are revealed.
He reminds her of her 'former' life, the way she used to be, before arriving in Tokyo. She finds comfort in his simplicity, the way he listens to her when she pours her heart out to him, the way he keeps her secrets as he pours her drinks. Having someone to confide in has to be a big relief to her, considering the way she's treated by her fiance...and talking to a man is just different from talking to a woman - there are different dynamics in play, even in platonic relationships. Sango is attracted to Miroku in a very different way than she's attached to her best friend, Akiko.
When Sango learns of her brother's fate - from her fiance, no less - there's an emotional break, and again, she flees - only this time, she's moving toward her comfort zone instead of away from it. She runs straight to Miroku, seeking that same sort of non-judgmental solace he seems more than able to provide, and things ultimately grow from there. In order to forget the absolute wreck she's made of her life, she cloaks herself in numbness and reaches out for the one person she feels, at the very center of her being, understands her. Since she's not the type to allow her emotions free reign, once again she begins to bottle up all that potential energy, energy once directed at her quest to find her brother, and, in the end, it is redirected into the growing bond with Miroku.
I didn't have nearly so much mental chess to play over Sango's reasons for her actions as I did for Miroku's. I feel I haven't quite captured the essence of his character and the way it manifests itself, and actually, writing a lemon helped with that. I see this chapter very much as a way to break open his half of this story. There are a few hints tossed in about his past, his family, and the way he reacts to Sango as he does, his own reasons for growing closer to her. I'm satisfied with his justification in this piece, and am endeavoring to explore some of the issues the muses brought up in feeling out his background.
Is it reasonable that events happen this quickly? Maybe it will break your suspension of disbelief...I'm actually expecting a few, "WTF?!" reviews in response to this. I see it as part emotional, part fantasy, molded around the characters as I understand them, and as I've presented them in this story.
As for the actual citrus content - I have to admit, I am really pleased with it. It took me approximately seven hours to compose (hey, I never said I was fast, LOL!), but within that block of time was quite a bit of writing, considering, editing, and erasing. My imagination plays for me like a movie, and sometimes it moves so fast I can't capture it in the detail I want. This time, my brain was moving a little faster than my hands, spouting of line after line of pure gold, and I was mostly having to backtrack and try to remember what led me to which point. It's a nice problem to have, this sort of "spoil of words," but it also makes the actual writing process move about as fast as molasses. Oh, well.
I chose the action pretty carefully, for reasons related to power dynamics, as well as to do my utmost to run far, far away from the "magical healing power of sex" cliche. I cringe at the very notion, and yet, I found myself writing what amounted to it anyway, so that was another struggle: how to frame it so that it's not about healing so much as forgetting, masking, cloaking, forging a new bond while still entangled in old ones, allowing emotions to run away with you in the moment, seeking happiness in spite of depression.
So, in that sense, I'm quite satisfied with the way I wove the emotion through the acts I chose to portray, and I liked the idea of the setting being the small hours of the morning, with dawn breaking in the background. (This will also be important for the next chapter.) There's a reason its called "midnight confessions" - tongues loosen and honesty sharpens the longer we've been awake, the more our filters fall away.
I'm fairly happy with word choice; I tried not to get *too* purple, keeping descriptions to a minimum, yet appealing to all senses...that's something that will improve with practice, for sure.
There were musical inspirations all over the place for this piece (and its revision, which took most of the day today). Obviously, there's the inspiration song listed above. One of the lyrics is quoted in the piece ~ "like two perfect circles entwined" ~ which will reappear in future installments, as we really get behind the thrust of that song.
The title of this piece is also the title of Seether's 2007 album, on which you'll find "Breakdown," which was spinning heavily while I wrote the first 1/3 of the chapter. I think that song perfectly encapsulates the way Sango felt, in learning of her brother's death.
And, of course, a little DMB always puts me in the mood for citrus; this time it was the entire album Before These Crowded Streets, which includes the song "Crush"...which I believe I've used before for sensual pieces.
This piece placed 1st for Best Romance at the Feudal Association during the September 2009 term, which blew my mind...but not quite as much as the three nominations from the IYFG, currently waiting to be seconded. Having a rash of recognition for the piece also slowed my muses down, as suddenly I wasn't writing so much for my own enjoyment and exploration of this pairing, but also for an audience (if that makes any sense...).
Fleeting fans, take note: the next chapter of that serial is next on my to-do list, followed by tackling the next monstrous chapter of Nihon Idol. Here's hoping the muses keep up the steady work and interest, LOL!
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Anywho, I really loved the way you handled the entire build up in this chapter. I hadn't even realized how much I'd learned about Miroku's character until the end, and everything made sense that much more with those developments. The numbness that Sango felt is obvious and well-done - and something that everyone (except a very lucky few) that reads can identify with. She had very real reactions.
And thank you so much for not making the lemon classy and not at all squick-worthy. I really had no fear of that from you, but I feel that way every time I read a well done lemon. :D
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It's locked to my fic community because of its content, so you have to be a member to view it. *shrug* I dunno how many people who read my fic here at LJ are willing to join the comm, but I lock entries to cover my ass with the TOS, LOL.
I hadn't even realized how much I'd learned about Miroku's character until the end, and everything made sense that much more with those developments.
That's interesting :) I learned quite a bit about him, myself. I'm really thinking of using this chapter as a starting off point to delve more into his background; after all, I hardly think its fair that Sango be the only one suffering here :P
something that everyone (except a very lucky few) that reads can identify with. She had very real reactions.
*crosses fingers* I certainly hope so. Even with the thin layer of fantasy that comes with writing fictional stories, I do strive for realism amongst my dramatics!
And thank you so much for not making the lemon classy and not at all squick-worthy. I really had no fear of that from you, but I feel that way every time I read a well done lemon. :D
I'm growing more comfortable and confident in my citrus-writing skillz, and I'm pleased that I was able to get to this point in this story before Fleeting ~ talk about giving myself a complex o.O But that's neither here nor there...
I winced pretty hard when I realized I was writing your basic "magical healing cock" hurt/comfort trope, so I did my best to write myself out of that corner before I even approached it, if that makes any sense. I know I tend to go all deep-thinking about stuff like this, but that's the one thing I don't want people to look at this and say. Not that I can control others' reactions to my work, but you know what I mean.
no subject
Oh, I'd forgotten about that! *will join*
I'm pleased that I was able to get to this point in this story before Fleeting
Your anxiety makes sense (goodness knows I have the same issues, lol), but you shouldn't worry. Seems like you'll do great. :)
I winced pretty hard when I realized I was writing your basic "magical healing cock" hurt/comfort trope
I think you set it up well on that point so that it's obvious Miroku isn't going to magically make everything better. Sango isn't going to be singing "Walking on Sunshine" while making pancakes in the morning, in other words, lol. I think it's more of a solace thing and that's very understandable and real - it's hard to be alone when you're suffering, even if you're one of those "leave me alone in my grief" types. Eventually, you want someone to hug.
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Aheh, well, thanks for the vote of confidence :) My plans for that Fleeting chapter are definitely...ambitious, shall we say? Definitely more complicated - but at the same time, the tone will be entirely different. So, it will present its own challenges, not the least of which having approximately 28 previous chapters of angst to pay off, LOL :P
I think it's more of a solace thing and that's very understandable and real - it's hard to be alone when you're suffering, even if you're one of those "leave me alone in my grief" types. Eventually, you want someone to hug.
I completely agree, especially on that last point. Hugging far, far underrated these days! :P
Now the question becomes, when you find something else when seeking solace in your partner, do you act on it? The next prompt at