![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Allegiance | 14: Thaw
MASTER SERIES INDEX IS HERE.
Title: Thaw - Expanded
Genre: Hurt/Comfort
Universe: Canon
Rating: T
Warnings: Angst, mentions of character death
Word Count: 1652
Summary: Sesshoumaru’s icy barriers crumble as he finally admits to himself what Rin really meant to him.
Click on the banner to read original entry - 1340 words
Author’s Note: A sequel to ‘Embrace.’ After a great deal of thought, I've reinserted quite a bit of background information to tie this piece not only into the current story arc, but into the overall series itself. Hopefully the balance of the piece still stands; no matter what incarnation it took, it's always felt rather end-heavy to me.
Disclaimer: The Inuyasha concept, story, and characters are copyright Rumiko Takahashi and Viz Media.
Sesshoumaru awoke, opening his eyes and taking a deep breath as he greeted the morning. His mind was immediately alert as his senses roared to life, meeting and filtering each new sensation as it permeated the stillness of the room: the soft glow of light streaming through the window, the cool breeze wafting through the drafty walls, a distant bird’s morning call. He felt completely relaxed and at peace, curled in the comforting circle of mokomoko, as if waking from the best night of sleep that he’d ever experienced.
He would need his every wit about him; it was merely the calm before the storm. Those strange holy warriors had been spotted again, stalking the perimeter of his lands, and they would have to be dealt with sooner rather than later. He scowled as he stared up at the ceiling of his bedchamber, displeased at being assailed by a memory of the day before, when Kagome had been confronted with their odd but effective weapon. She’d claimed it had been the cause of Inuyasha’s death, and that did not sit well with him.
No, it had only confirmed his suspicions.
This was not the first time a group of ambitious but impudent humans had come sniffing around his holdings, looking for a fight. If they were stupid enough to settle in youkai territory, he could summon no sympathy for their plight when they were caught up in the wars of his kind. It was not, and never would be, at the forefront of his planning to take into consideration the humans who stood in the way of his empire’s inevitable expansion; he fought his battles against fellow taiyoukai, all others be damned.
Humans, however, were nothing if not resilient. Those villages, left in tatters following bouts of youkai sparring, had taken to summoning these holy men with the purified weaponry. Stories circulated amongst the generals, turning these none-so-special humans into legends, wielding their purified shot and poison powder with great effectiveness against youki-rich swords and arrows. However, the only confirmed reports of deaths that reached his ears were deaths of hanyous. It was no surprise, perhaps, given their comparatively weaker bodies and wills…besides, hanyous were considered no great loss to the youkai community. Indeed, Sesshoumaru hadn’t given the oddly powerful humans or their targeted hanyous much thought –
– until they brought it to his door.
Sesshoumaru narrowed his eyes, turning his attention away from the ceiling in an attempt to corral his thoughts. What need do I have for reminiscence, he mused, when the threat is imminent? The time to act is now, before they gain the strength to engage my men in serious warfare. Managing to slay a hanyou as powerful as Inuyasha had, no doubt, given them the confidence they needed to turn their attention back to the more powerful class of youkai, but it was time to show these humans for the fools they were, in choosing to return to his holdings.
Sesshoumaru made to rise, reluctant though he was to leave the warmth and peace of this private moment, only to find himself half-pinned to the mattress by a slight, but solid, weight. He glanced down, his heart warming and his muscles relaxing as he took in the sight of his mate at his side, burrowed between his body and the luxurious fur of his heirloom pelt, her head nestled in the crook of his shoulder and one arm resting across his chest. He closed his eyes, unleashing some portion of his youki to seek out her aura. Contentment ebbed into the back of his mind in response, sending a wave of pleasure rolling down his spine.
His lips curled up into a slight smile as he cracked his eyes open once again. Her face was buried in the sleeve of his kimono, leaving only the tousled waves of the ebony silk of her hair visible to his keen gaze. If he tilted his head, and squinted just right, she so resembled his beloved Rin, especially in those last weeks of her life…
His eyes slipped shut as the memories assailed him. He’d returned to his brother’s village shortly after the miko’s return, surprised but strangely pleased to hear of Rin’s request to accompany him once again. She had grown into a lovely young woman by then, mature enough to bear children and thus, mature enough to make a decision about her future. He’d indulged her wish to be at his side once more, bringing her back to his recently re-conquered childhood home. He had every intention of finding her a suitable mate, but was content to have her under his guardianship in the meanwhile.
He should have realized it sooner, of course. The warning signs were all there: the suddenly shy looks and stained cheeks where once only childish smiles had resided; the need to follow him endlessly across his estates; the sudden pricks of distinctly human emotion that stabbed at him whenever she looked his way. He resisted and denied, coolly cutting down anyone who dared suggest he was making his father’s mistake by bringing her back into his life. She was his responsibility – nothing more, nothing less.
Or so he thought.
But she was not to be deterred, and she had always known his heart. One day, matters had all come to a head: she had kissed him and called him darling and begged to bear his child, and he’d reacted the only way he knew how – by rejecting her coldly, cruelly, declaring he would never take a human for a mate, or even a whore. She had been absolutely crushed by his reaction, and it was the last he’d seen of her – she fled into the night, unable to stay with him, knowing she could never have him.
He had searched for her, of course, scouring the countryside and even returning to the human village near Edo, but she was nowhere to be found. After months of fruitless inquiries, word finally reached him of her whereabouts…but by the time he found her, she was dead, along with her hanyou baby, slain by means of purified shot and poison powder.
He had analyzed these memories countless times before, cataloguing and examining each mistake he’d made along the way. It was he who had driven her away from the safety of his house and the strength of his protection, in a foolish bid to not follow in his father’s footsteps. It was he who was to be blamed for her untimely demise, for not reaching her time – for failing to revive her, though the power of Tenseiga had long ago been rendered useless in her case. It was he who was to blame for her life being cut short, for causing her such pain that she’d sought solace in the arms of another, only to be abandoned in her desperation.
He had acknowledged it, accepted it, and paid penance for it. He gave her the respect in death that he no longer could in life, laying her to rest alongside the original tomb of his father.
And he had moved on with his life, burying the regrets of the past and forging ahead, relentless in his pursuit of power, the inevitable progress of an empire he was destined to build and rule over.
And yet, on this quiet morning so many years later, reliving those memories was somehow different for him. For the very first time, he felt the loss to the very core of his being, ravaged with pain, and sorrow, and guilt, and despair as the sequences played over and over in his mind. So clearly could he still remember the softness of her lips when she’d kissed him, the love and shy longing in her gaze as she pledged her love and desire to be with him. So clearly could he still see the absolute desolation in her eyes when he balked at her, pulling away and shattering her dreams of marriage and family. So clearly now did he feel the anguish of arriving too late to save her, finding her bloody and lifeless body strewn across an open field, some other youkai’s child still pressed to her chest...
He forced his eyes to open, blinking rapidly as he exhaled sharply, these memories triggering an internal war. An overwhelming tide of emotion churned in his stomach, and for once, he felt helpless to stop it. His youki was active and fighting, but the unleashed waves of regret were too strong, surging through the floodgates after being held at bay for so long.
Never before had he truly admitted to himself just how much he had loved her, and just how much he still missed her and mourned her.
Never before had he felt so distinctly vulnerable, on the utter edge of collapse. For all his strength of mind, ability to order and contain and plan his every move meticulously, he felt completely out of control.
The ice had thawed and broken through.
As the internal struggle raged on, Kagome stirred to life beside him. Almost immediately, he felt a rush of soothing serenity descend upon him, banishing the army of passions churning against his youki. She glanced up at him with wide, inquiring eyes, silently assessing his distress, before sliding her arms around his waist and pressing herself close once more.
“I’m sorry,” she murmured, the words reverberating against his chest, further dispelling any lingering unease.
He found his voice, swallowing past the lump that had built up in his threat. “For what?” he asked, reaching for the ends of mokomoko, twisting and twining his fingers through the fur to gain an additional measure of comfort.
“For giving you the means to suffer,” she replied with a sigh.
She sat up slightly, meeting his incredulous gaze with a knowing glance, answering the question before he had the chance to ask:
“I had a dream.”
no subject
no subject
Hooray for surging human emotions! LOL :P
A moment of confusion: was the hanyou baby his or someone else?
Another, as-of-yet unspecified youkai's...but I'm leaving that door open in not naming who. The muses like openings, especially in a fic like this where the possibilities seem endless...
I'm glad you enjoyed! It was fun to write, and a neat little take on the prompt word (which was "progress").
no subject
no subject
This little arc is going to be the catalyst, I think; what finally binds them together. The prompts at
no subject
*shudders*
Very spooky (and so awesome). One thing I love about how you write them is that you don't make Rin any less important to Sesshoumaru, or InuYasha any less important to Kagome. You acknowledge how it's possible to love more than one person at a time - there's very many different ways a person can love.
*sniffles*
She had a dream, eh? I see an arc...
no subject
Because he was his usual stubborn, elitist self? Yeah. "You don't know what you want until you can't have it anymore," played to the extreme. But that's Sess for you - he doesn't do things by halves.
And, no matter how many people consider Sess/Rin to be a canon couple, I just don't see him coming around that far, at least not on the first try. He still has daddy issues beyond the sword saga, and considering his heritage and initial hatred for Inuyasha, I can't imagine he'd embrace spawning hanyou children himself!
Very spooky (and so awesome).
:D This muse works in mysterious ways, what can I say? I'm glad you think its cool, though - sometimes I wonder how far off my experiments are for the general viewing public...
One thing I love about how you write them is that you don't make Rin any less important to Sesshoumaru, or InuYasha any less important to Kagome. You acknowledge how it's possible to love more than one person at a time - there's very many different ways a person can love.
Well, exactly. I'm of the firm belief that you can't take away either one of their pasts; you have to build on it in order to really make it work. To me, it also makes for a more satisfying story, because the characters are inherently mature, you know? They've loved, they've lost, they know what they're getting themselves into by attempting to reach out in this way again. Don't get me wrong; I like naive innocence in my characters just as much as the next fan, but to have those features in a post-canon setting just kinda sorta doesn't work.
And indeed, there are many ways to love. I'd not say either one of them is in love with the other at this point, but you definitely see the progression of the relationship. For me, it was important to show that he's the one that reached out for her this time, and in doing so, was bombarded by the memories of the girl he should've reached out for. He suffers for his desire, but its almost entirely of his own making.
I suppose you could say that's a side of love as well.
*sniffles*
She had a dream, eh? I see an arc...
I almost left that line off, actually. I think the previous line of dialogue is actually a stronger closing line...but I couldn't resist harkening back to the "Insight" chapter, and showing that this whole sharing of emotions and memories business goes both ways. In reaching out to her as he did, he opened his mind and memory to her...which may or may not have consequences in the coming installments :P
no subject
no subject
Thanks! For him, almost everything is internal (at least in my mind's eye), so the suffering in silence is something I think he's very familiar with. Its not the first time he's been plagued with these memories, but its the first time he actually feels with any depth of emotion. Sorta like extreme-delayed PTSD :P
At this point he may wonder if it is blessing or a curse to have to feel the pain of Rin's death.
Right on! Especially since the reaosn he's feeling this way is because he's cleaved himself to another human, one who means much more to him than he's currently willing to admit. The conflict he feels as these holy warriors stalk his territory once more - wanting to protect Kagome as he never did Rin, and yet not willing to admit its for any reason other than some sort of primal urge - is one that has been subtle, but hopefully noticable. I have a feeling it'll come more to a head as this ltitle arc progresses, especially if the prompts play nice with my muse.