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Allegiance | 8: Repentance
MASTER SERIES INDEX IS HERE.
Title: Repentance - Expanded
Universe: Canon
Rating: T
Warnings: Angst
Word Count: 759
Summary: Sesshoumaru suffers under the weight of Kagome’s human emotions.
(click on banner to read original entry - 300 words)
Disclaimer: The Inuyasha concept, story, and characters are copyright Rumiko Takahashi and Viz Media.
Not for the first time did he second-guess himself.
He remembered why, the last time he’d faced such an ultimatum from a human girl, he’d rejected it.
Oh, God, the pain in her eyes…
He thought the price he’d paid then – driving Rin away, losing her forever – was beyond a fair punishment.
Now, he wasn’t so sure.
Sesshoumaru lay on his stomach, his head propped slightly on a soft pillow, his hair spilling carelessly over the mattress. A thin sheen of sweat glistened on his skin as he fought to control his breathing, the race of his pulse. Pain ravaged him, blooming up from his chest, coating his back, his neck, arcing across his scalp, pooling behind his eyes.
He had never allowed himself to show weakness in front of his people. It had taken all of his willpower to control his stoic façade in public, but here – at night – in his personal chamber – he would not suffer in silence.
It had been three days. Three days since their blood oath in the meadow. Three days since their return to his – their – holdings, as mates.
Three days of anguish as he fought to control the overwhelming human emotions that now surged through him.
Kagome sat mutely across the room from him, holding her knees to her chest, her gaze unfocused as she stared into the glowing fire pit. It was a familiar stance, one she kept for the duration of their evenings together. He suspected she stayed behind in the room after he rose each morning, catching her sleep when she could – when she felt safe.
When she was alone.
He wanted to tell her to stop hiding in this place – to go out, face the world, accept the consequences of her actions. It had been her idea, after all.
He should hardly be the only one suffering.
Even now, her emotions ebbed listlessly, from melancholy to fear to loneliness to worry, each flowing indistinctly into the next as she lost herself in her memories.
He was acutely aware of each subtle change in their course. Her emotions came to him not merely as flashes – pointed, urgent, yet mercifully brief – as had been the case with Rin. No, this was proving to be as he’d feared, constant waves of agony crashing down upon him.
He felt everything she felt, heightened to the point of physical pain by his sensitive youki.
Her misery was his misery, and he loathed her for it.
Didn’t she understand? Couldn’t she comprehend what she was doing to him?
If he was to suffer one human’s misery in this world, it should have been Rin’s.
He couldn’t suppress the shuddering moan that ripped through him. He wrapped his mokomoko tighter around his body, finding some small amount of relief settled against its luxurious fur, as his youki battled with her human blood. He exhaled deeply as a wave of feverish heat rolled over his body.
He could only hope the worst had already passed.
His youki was chipping away tirelessly at the recklessness of her aura. Soon, it would win, finding a way to control or suppress these feelings so he could return to his normal state of being: balanced. Cold. Calculating.
Another swell of fear surged over him as he heard Kagome stand and move towards him. He squeezed his eyes shut, clutching mokomoko tightly, breathing laboriously as she approached, full of hesitation and uncertainty.
“Sesshoumaru?” she whispered tentatively, kneeling beside the bed.
He opened his eyes, piercing her with a golden blaze of unadulterated disgust. He didn’t bother to hide the obviousness of his pain from her, but as she gazed back at him, he found himself torn between lashing out in anger and curling up in exhaustion.
She reached out to him, laying a hand on his shoulder. Her touch proved instantly cool and calming, dispersing the heaviness of his despair, soothing the rush of his heartbeat.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered.
“You realize this is all your fault,” he muttered derisively.
She nodded, taking a deep breath, her fingers splaying over his skin.
As her aura stilled, his youki flared, filling the room with an icy chill.
He eyed her carefully as she stroked his back. After a long moment, he leashed his energy once more, furrowing deeper against his pelt, his eyes slipping shut as the first signs of deep relaxation seeped over his exhausted body.
He had almost forgotten she was even there, until she uttered the last sentence he ever expected to hear:
“Tell me what happened to Rin.”
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And, since Kagome is still thinking about her own past, and wondering if she made a mistake in coming here and doing this - as evidenced by her suddenly hiding from the rest of the court when before she would just take their abuse but stand on her own - Sesshoumaru is also being overwhelmed by these feelings of regret. And what does he have to regret?
Driving Rin away.
It's supposed to feel weird, seeing him suffer for a decision he made in the past, because he's supposed to be an iceberg. But what happens when the iceberg is suddenly given a set of very strong and deep human emotions? I guess even he can melt a little bit...
I should've written the original expansion I had in mind, when I composed and cut this for the drabble, but unfortunately that's forever lost now...oh, well. The ending was a complete surprise, but hopefully one that will work with the next prompt.
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Just wondering...do you write the no-word count version first and then carve it down, or write the drabble, then edit it, adding to your heart's content?
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Just wondering...do you write the no-word count version first and then carve it down, or write the drabble, then edit it, adding to your heart's content?
It depends, really. I try to synthesize the story I want to tell into something close to the word count when I'm composing the original drabble, because I find it inordinately hard to cut away a lot. Sometimes it runs away with me anyway, and I sit there trying to figure out how to reword something important that I just don't have the heart to cut...
Sometimes, like with the 'Appearance' piece, I write a skeleton of the full scene, trying to encode what I want to expand on in the words I choose.
Sometimes, like with 'Promise', the whole thing is close to the word limit in its original, first draft form.
Most of the time, I write and edit the drabble and then literally expand on it, copying it into a fresh file and adding details around what's already there.
This piece I actually wrote pretty full the first time through (writing for the contest) and then started snipping bits away. I wish I'd saved that original draft, however, because there was a bit more about Sesshoumaru's regrets with Rin and a bit less of his physical suffering. Oh, well - this works too :D
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Well, hug Kagome. Maybe making her feel better will put Sesshomaru at ease and he won't slaughter me.
This is incredibly interesting- while InuYasha would be upset because Kagome is (emotionally speaking), Sesshomaru's upset because Kagome is... LITERALLY speaking, and that's much harder for him to handle.
It's also intriguing to see how her emotions are driving his now... her regret is cropping up in him as something totally different.
He is *not* a happy puppy right now. Poor Sess!
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Righteous/lordly indignation for the win!! Of course Sesshoumaru thinks he should be the last being on the planet to suffer, and so unnecessarily at that...
This is incredibly interesting- while InuYasha would be upset because Kagome is (emotionally speaking), Sesshomaru's upset because Kagome is... LITERALLY speaking, and that's much harder for him to handle.
Yes. This was something I thought was just a continuation of what was already there in the canon - Sesshoumaru (and other youkai) don't have the same depth of feeling or maybe even capacity for emotion (hence their general misunderstanding of the power of love as a motivation for human actions), but he is incredibly sensitive to his environment. So if he's now faced with the power and sheer untamed variety of emotions thanks to this blood oath, his sensitivity to it would manifest itself not merely as emotional turmoil but as physical pain. I think its plausible, as is this internal battle he's currently waging, trying to figure out how to gain control over these fleeting feelings.
The idea that he's fighting an idle/passive battle - his youki vs her blood - and physically suffering for it is also an interesting one for me.
her regret is cropping up in him as something totally different.
I'm glad this is still coming through in this piece, as that was indeed the entire point of it (and a larger point of the story - how her presence drives him to confront mistakes from his past). It seems like they are at a crossroads...will she have to suppress her own mourning to keep him on an even keel, or will he somehow triumph over this on his own and subsequently show her how to move on?
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In this longer piece, not only does the reader get to feel with the characters, but it is the longer drawn out pain and suffering. It is the old rememberances of regrets and losses not merely the momentary dealing with Kagome's human emotions. It's more of a give and take.
I enjoy the idea that he is physically suffering because he has shut down his emotions for so long. Nicely done!
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I rather like the shorter version of this one myself, as it reflects the title with a better balance between the two characters. However, with this longer version, I have another piece of the puzzle - namely, that last line, which decided to attach itself out of nowhere, LOL.
So - its win-win for me, and hopefully will continue to be. I've never allowed myself to write a story out of order before, so let's just say this has been a learning experience as much as anything else :)
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Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...
Ahem.
Yep, I loved it, even more in it's 'complete' form. You style is definitely made for longer chapters.
But finally, in this version, I don't really know what to think about all this... is he not being a little unjust to her too? Is it his regrets haunting him, hurting him to the core, or is it really all Kagome's fault to begin with?
Hmmmm... food for thoughts. I love it. A tortured Sesshomaru is definitely beleivebable, in the way that you tend to write him. He suppresses his emotions most of the time, so when they are so strong that they are unbearable, he can't cope, and then they litterally eat him alive.
That's a very realistic interpretation of his character. He'll have to grow up a little though, because that's definitely a façade that won't deceive Kagome. ;)
Take care my friend.
Dewa mata
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Well, considering this series is a bit one-sided, it probably seems that way, like he's blaming her for his troubles :) But really, would you expect him to react any other way? He's at the mercy of a force he can't yet control, brought on by the highly dubious joining with a human woman he doesn't want to admit he actually cares for (just yet), who is only bringing to his mind her abject misery over the loss of his brother and her former life. And what does he have to be miserable about? What is dredged to the forefront of his mind? What can he not quite move past until and unless he addresses it in full?
A tortured Sesshomaru is definitely beleivebable, in the way that you tend to write him. He suppresses his emotions most of the time, so when they are so strong that they are unbearable, he can't cope, and then they litterally eat him alive.
That's a very realistic interpretation of his character.
SQUEE!! Thanks!! I'm thrilled to hear you think I'm doing him a realistic turn in this piece :) You know I have to torture him at least a little bit in my work ;)
He'll have to grow up a little though, because that's definitely a façade that won't deceive Kagome. ;)
Well the story is far from over :) I have an idea for the next prompt but I'm not quite sure if it will work just yet. We'll see.